Those Words from A Dad Which Saved Us as a New Parent

"I think I was merely trying to survive for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the demands of becoming a dad.

Yet the truth rapidly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into becoming her main carer in addition to taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, each diaper… every stroll. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The simple words "You are not in a good place. You need some help. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While the public is now better used to discussing the strain on mums and about PND, less is said about the challenges new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are linked to a wider inability to open up among men, who often hold onto harmful perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a show of weakness to request help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not justified to be requesting help" - particularly ahead of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a pause - taking a few days away, outside of the family home, to see things clearly.

He came to see he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotions in addition to the practical tasks of looking after a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she longed for" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has changed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the expression of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked stable male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" connection with his dad, long-standing emotional pain resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "poor actions" when in his youth to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to things that are harmful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you feel swamped, tell a friend, your partner or a therapist about your state of mind. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the pursuits that made you feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include playing sport, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, resting, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help isn't failing - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the loss, having been out of touch with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead give the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the feelings in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their pain, transformed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their children.

"I'm better… processing things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning an equal amount as you are on this path."